Waiting for Contract

Perhaps the most stressful time in any sales rep’s life is the time between receiving a “Yes” from a prospect and the signed contract from a now-client. The first script I put together was partially inspired by Dave Chappelle’s character Tyrone Biggums…

CRACKHEAD SALES REPS - THE TIME BETWEEN AN AGREEMENT AND A SIGNED CONTRACT

[SETTING: Montage of CORPORATE biting his nails, pacing around, scratching their necks. Finally, the camera zooms in on CORPORATE’s face, sweating and shaking.]

NARRATOR 

The most stressful in a Sales Reps life, is the moment between a sending out a contract, and actually receiving a signed returned contract from the prospect.

CORPORATE (in almost a whisper) 

When are you gonna sign the fucking contract, Sandra…?

FISTER 

Corp-corp! 

[CORPORATE is startled and nearly falls out of his chair as if FISTER were a cop and he was a junkie in an alleyway.]

FISTER 

You...feeling ok?

CORPORATE

Yeah, yeah, yeah totally. Totally fine. (Speaking like a crack fiend)

FISTER 

Sandra sign the contract yet?

[CORPORATE’s eye twitches.] Not yet, but uh, she sounded pretty sure. She ggave me a...verbal.

FISTER

Well you know what I always say, a verbal’s-a-gerbil! 

[reaction shot of CORPORATE looking confused as FISTER walks away then CB notices an email - cue step bros sound]

[FISTER walks away. Zoom in of CORPORATE’s face as he turns and clicks the refresh on his email inbox a million times. Fade out.]

[WIPE - CORPORATE is looking even worse than before, if that’s possible. KIEFER or DIALZ comes over with a tub of whey protein, red bulls, and a weed pen.]

KIEFER/DIALZ

 Bro why didn’t you tell me you were waiting on a contract? How long has it been?

CORPORATE (barely audible) 

Almost an hour.

KIEFER/DIALZ 

Did you refresh your inbox? [CORPORATE glares] Sorry, dumb question. Here (Gives CORPORATE the weedpen) hit that and hold it in. [Takes out a scoop of whey and makes a line on his desk. CORPORATE does the line after ripping the pen and then takes the Red Bull and chugs it then exhales the smoke. CORPORATE looks better, but struggles to standup.]

CORPORATE 

Thanks Bro. I needed that. 

DIALZ

Whaddya say we refresh that inbox one more time, eh?

[They go to click it and it either shows nothing and they start tweaking again or you see a BOB show up in the inbox and they celebrate.]

[End.]

While mainlining whey protein sounded fun, it was also potentially problematic to pull-off so we re-worked a couple of the scenes to be able to shoot more efficiently for the time that we have. Our dream is to live in a world where the cartoon imaginings of Rick and Morty or Family Guy are possible, but we live in sales where dreams die. Here’s the re-worked and essentially final version (changes and improvisations still occured during the final shoot):

CB - Waiting for Contract (Alternate with Step Brothers sound)

[Setting: CORPORATE talking to other sales people about deals]

KIEFER

How’s your pipe looking this month?

CORPORATE

Good, good (checks phone) I got a link out right now and they said they were gonna sign up last night

KIEFER

It’ll close, dude, don’t worry about it.

CORPORATE

Nah, nah, I’m cooling. Chilling. You know me 

[Opera noise - CORPORATE checks phone, but it’s just a text]

CORPORATE

It’s gonna close.

[SETTING: CORPORATE at his desk and FISTER comes over]

FISTER

Grapevine says you got a couple links out Corp. I told you to schedule a signup call!

CORPORATE (laughs)

They assured me they’ll sign up. Any minute now, Boss. 

[OPERA NOISE - checks phone, but it’s Fantasy Football]

CORPORATE (under his breath)

Fuck

[SETTING: Team meeting and CORPORATE has his laptop up. FISTER is talking at the whiteboard.]

[OPERA NOISE - We see a (1) notification in his gmail. CORPORATE’S face lights up, but then falls when he opens his email. SHOT cuts back to his email as we see a calendar invite to celebrate Ben’s birthday party at Starbucks. CORPORATE declines. Cut back to his face shaking his head.]

[SETTING: CORPORATE standing and fidgeting and pacing in front of his computer. Short clips of him leaving voicemails with the company. Clicking over and over to refresh his inbox.]

BEN

Hey Corp -

CORPORATE

WHAT?!

BEN

Are you coming to my birthday party at Starbucks?

CORPORATE

THAT’S THE WEIRDEST FUCKING THING I’VE EVER -

[OPERA NOISE - BEN and CORPORATE look to his computer screen. It shows a new email. CORPORATE gets down onto his knees and clicks into it. Screen shows the subject line: “Congratulations! Your Client Has Signed Up!”]

[CORPORATE gets up and starts celebrating.]

CORPORATE

LET’S FUCKING GO, THAT’S QUOTA BITCHES!!! And no, I’m not going to your dumbass, depressing Starbucks birthday party cause I don’t even know you - 

[OPERA NOISE - CORPORATE and BEN glance back at the computer screen. Zoom in on a new subject line: “We’re sorry - Payment method not valid” (or maybe something insinuating a sales ops malfunction, etc.)]

CORPORATE (under his breath)

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

END.

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