Plymouth Rock: The Most Boston Monument

The first thing my wife asked when we drove to see Plymouth Rock was, “What should I expect?” I told her the truth, “Whatever your expectations are… raise them.”

In reality, Plymouth Rock is the Kim Kardashian of historical objects. It’s famous for being famous and incredibly underwhelming when you see it up close.

There is zero chance that pilgrims on the Mayflower saw this rock and were like “Mama we made it!” It looks more like a landscaping supply store got robbed by the National Park Service.

“You think you’re fuckin better than me?!” - Plymouth Rock to the Grand Canyon

And yet, it’s perfect. Because Plymouth Rock isn’t just a rock. It’s Boston.

For context, when you wake up in Boston, you involuntarily blurt out “you think you’re fuckin' better than me? Fuck you,” as you reach over and turn off your alarm clock.

Our hometown pride is mixed with hometown deprecation. We think we’re the best and the absolute worst at the same time.

If you grow up on the South Shore, you hate the North Shore because no one cares about roast beef. If you grow up in Marshfield, you hate Duxbury because they’ve got Vineyard Vines printed on their birth certificates. If you’re my cousin Patrick, you hate Canton because he lost his baseball glove there in ‘02.

But together we're Massachusetts, which I literally thought was another name for America until I was about 9 years old.

We call ourselves the “Hub of the Universe,” even though we make fun of ourselves for the fact that we’re smaller than the part of Queens where people forget to get off the train.

We know Plymouth Rock is the most pathetic national monument ever carved into our collective memory, but if somebody outside of Massachusetts says that, we’ll aggressively remind them that “THIS IS WHERE IT STARTED!” AND “You’d still be paying taxes to King Fuckface if it wasn’t for this chunk of granite!”

Plymouth Rock is the perfect Boston Monument because we get to drag foreigners (Americans who aren’t Massholes), 45 minutes out of the city to teach them the lesson that it’s not about the size or beauty of the rock, it’s how big and important we tell ourselves it is… kehd.