Why I Want An Evil Genius For President
I know what you’re thinking: Donald Trump – evil GENIUS? That may be a little much, but hear me out.
There’s a man that some call the greatest leader mankind has ever seen. A man that can be divisive and disrespectful and acts above the rules. A man who has never given a statement longer than 140 characters. A man who belittles the crooked media. A man who has an army of obnoxious followers at his beck and call that will berate you on social media for attacking him. A man who doesn’t really know how to smile. A man whose sustained excellence makes The Rolling Stones look like a one-hit wonder; The Simpsons just a flash in the pan; Kim Kardashian just another thot with an Instagram account. A man that some call the Sith Lord, an Evil Genius, the Grand Wizard, the Great Hooded-One…Bill Fucking Belichick.
Now, if you’re not familiar with the New England Patriots, all you have to know is that they win so much…their enemies are so furious and depressed they literally don’t know what to do with themselves. So, they come up with fake news stories that try to tear down their impeccable, storied legacy. If any of their players or fans hear these stories, they know it’s simply outside noise from jealous people who don’t know what they’re talking about and are really just angry at the other teams in the AFC East who are afraid to put up a real fight like a bunch of pussy-ass liberals the last two decades.
What are they so mad about? It’s not like Bill’s going around grabbing actual pussies left and right (even though I’m sure they joke about that in the locker room cause that’s what guys do…right?)
Cut to: Patriots Locker Room…
Players whipping each others’ asses with towels, blaring rap music, swearing, cracking Bud Lights at their lockers, packing lips, doing man stuff. Tom Brady and his perfect jawline enter the room and Bill grunts and a gives head nod. Tom leans in to tell Bill something humorous, “Hey you know those Cheerleaders that have the pom-poms and everything? Grabbed all their pussies on my way to the locker room after the game.” They both chuckle at another classic example of male humor in the locker room.
…
Bill doesn’t break any laws (that we know of), he just cares about football. So do people hate him because he has the same amount of respect for the media as a drunk father has for the family dog? Or a young investment banker has for a useless, college intern? Or a troublesome teenager has for his interfering mother? What these people don’t understand is that the media doesn’t know what they’re talking about unless they’re praising him.
I especially love when he faces the media after a loss because it’s so rare. It’s like seeing Trump apologize or seeing Hillary Clinton after November 9, 2016. Bill stands on the podium with a sweatshirt, no sleeves, nor patience and answers questions accompanied by awkward burp-sounding groans, deep sighs, occasional stone-cold eye contact, and responses of 140 characters or less. He’s the troublesome high school senior who didn’t do his homework and smoked weed with his friends instead:
Cut to: Teenage Bill standing at his kitchen table/podium…
He has the same face, but it’s on the pimpled, scrawny body of someone who spends his afternoons skateboarding and playing video games instead of running gassers at football practice. He’s wearing an old pair of swishy-pants with the stripes on the side, a sweatshirt with the logo ripped off, sleeves cut-off, and a jaded expression from people not understanding him.
Irritated/Crooked Mother (probably named Hillary something): “Why did you decide smoke weed?”
Little Jaded Bill: “Hmmrp-grhhmph, well I just thought it was the best idea at the time. Obviously, it didn’t work out. Gotta give credit to the parents and teachers for communicating with each other to figure it out.”
“So are you sorry?”
“Mpphhh-gurhhp, I think I’ve already answered that question.”
“No, you haven’t”
“Welp, I’m on to freshmen year so that’s where our focus is gonna stay”
And then he absolutely crushed freshmen year.
…
Is it because he fires his players without hesitation or human emotion like he’s Dr. Ford “firing” a subordinate executive in West World. Belichick is famous for cutting or trading beloved New England heroes such as Lawyer Milloy, Ty Law, Richard Seymour, Mike Vrabel, Logan Mankins, Jamie Collins, Chandler Jones, and more with no explanation and less time for grieving. Coolly and heartlessly firing people who have devoted their lives to serving and winning for him and his institution. Kicked to the curb like Omarosa for not selling enough Trump-Burgers in Times Square (If this didn’t happen on The Apprentice, I’m sure the real story isn’t far off. In any case, facts-shmacts, you’re fired!). Patriots fans used to get angry over these firings, but after more wins and more wins and more wins, they developed a phrase to explain Belichick’s mysterious ways: In Bill We Trust. He was going to win no matter what. You either hopped on the train or you stayed at the station…like a crooked, whiny, liberal media member/Jets-Colts-Ravens-[insert other NFL team] fan.
What those people don’t understand is that while he may be famous for firing famous people, he’s also famous for creating jobs. He has no time for reputations. If he has to, he’s going to drain the swamp. He came to New England when they had one of the best quarterbacks in the entire league. Drew Bledsoe’s #11 was on the backs of thousands of Patriots fans and when he retired was among the Top 10 Quarterbacks of all time.What did Bill do? He drained the swamp and brought in the greatest and most handsome quarterback in NFL history. No one thought that Tom Brady was qualified enough to be in the NFL let alone start over Drew Bledsoe!?! People didn’t understand that Bill answered to know one and didn’t care if it was basically his first head coaching position ever (his first was with the Browns so does it really count?) – he was going to do it his way because he knew his way was right.
Patriots fans haven’t had much to complain about with their football team since Bill took over, but for the first time ever, Bill actually received some criticism from his own swamp this year. Not for doing anything wrong at his job, but for simply offering a friend some encouragement. That friend just happened to be our 45th President. It came as a shock to many fans and even though we’re talking about football fans, we’re talking about football fans in New England where every state voted for Crooked Hillary as well as every town in Massachusetts besides Leominster and Blackstone (just guessing because I heard it was 3 towns in the middle of the state and 2 near the Rhode Island border – alternate facts! fake news! sad!). And if you’re an alien or you just had a baby and aren’t familiar with the 2016 election, Trump was a little controversial. He didn’t have any established politicians backing him, but he won the primary. He made fun of the disabled, Muslims, and probably Jews too even though I can’t think of a specific instance off the top of my head. This wasn’t 2012 when people were just creeped out by Romney’s mormon, 47%-hating, milk-binging ways – this was personal. And the Donald made sure Bill’s support was made public and thousands of Patriots fans were left confused and angry.
But I ask those Patriots fans to think to themselves, who would be a better leader than a soulless, evil genius who only cares about winning? A man who befuddles supporters and opponents alike until they accept his dominance? A man that may push the envelope, but only for the good of the team? A man that guarantees greatness under his reign? A man who doesn’t bow down to anyone’s rings? A man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind? A man that has weird sexual fetishes…shit…I think we just voted in Rex Ryan.
Nevermind everyone, continue panicking.
Belichick 2020 – Do Your Job, America