Punching The Clock

A city of flowers and hair has officially turned into a city of hoodies and headphones.  When his older cousin moved here 15 years ago, Silicon Valley was in full takeover mode, but you still had funky neighborhoods like the Mission and to break up the homogeny.  The white waves of artisan coffee shops, chai shops, backpack stores, and whatever the fuck a boba-tea is flooded the neighborhood and washed out Mexican and Latin American immigrants and any funk or flavor that once thrived here. A place that was called the “Bohemian Capital of the World” in the mid-‘90s was now a Utopia for spoiled white nerds who thought they were edgy. Kind of like how Elvis stole Rock n Roll and the Rolling Stones stole the Blues and all of a sudden G-Eazy is rapping with YG. If something is cool, white people will find it, steal it, and suffocate it until it’s dead and they have to find something new.

Tommy lives in this neighborhood because his older cousin told him it was cool when he was there, but he was there even before Trump was elected (Remember when that happened?). Now, the homeless were gone, the funky shops were run by phonies, and cars drove themselves (which wasn’t all bad because you never had to worry about uber drivers talking your ear off because they thought it would get them a 5 star rating). He moved without a job, but had some connections and was going in for a final round interview at a Startup tech company downtown.  It was one of the few that survived the bubble-burst of 2022, but by that point the U.S. economy was so reliant on Silicon Valley’s money that it seemed like everyone was bailed out and nothing changed.  Case in point, ZoomSterly, a cloud-based-SAAS-marketing-POS-CRM-web conferencing-app to help small businesses grow while saving precious money and time.  The role he was applying for was an Sales Development Representative (a.k.a. SDR). Someone who called business owners (a.k.a. Decision Makers a.k.a. DMs – not the Instagram kind) that were interested in purchasing the app so he could schedule a call with an Account Executive (a.k.a. AE).

SDRs sole purpose is to hit quota every month by scheduling as many successful sales calls as possible.  You do this by answering yes. For example:

DM: “Yea so I heard about your software and was interested in learning more. I’m just not entirely clear on what you’ll do for me cause it says you can take care of my taxes and market my sandwiches to new inbound-outbound channels. How does that work?”

SDR: “Yes, that’s exactly right! With our code and unique set of algorithms, you’ll be able to take care of all of your needs at no cost.”

DM: “I thought it cost money though?”

SDR: “Yes, but if you factor in how much you’ll not only make, but SAVE, it really will be paying you.”

DM: “So, by paying you I’ll save money?”

SDR: “Yes, exactly! When’s a good time for a quick call with one of our Account Executives this week?”

Fuego lead! Crush quota! Who cares what the real answers to those questions are because that would just complicate things and ruin the sale. The goal is to find the line between simple and vague so that the DM’s mind and wallet can fill in the rest.

Tommy has a friend at the company and his first couple of interviews went really well so hopefully today is the last hurdle to jump before he can finally start getting paid and afford rent in this city so he can stop asking his parents to deposit checks into his account from 3,000 miles away.  Finding apartments was hard enough and “he’s” still paying way too much for one with some of his friends from college after they moved here from the East Coast after college. He needed a job and this company seemed pretty cool. Now he had a chance to meet some of his coworkers and get a taste of the day-to-day at ZoomSterly.

He walked into a large foyer with floor-to-ceiling glass windows and what appeared to be actual plants growing out of the wall.  He was sweating a little from having to sprint to FedEx across the street and print out a few extra resumes because he obviously forgot to do that until 30 minutes ago.  After a few cool-down breaths, he checked in with the receptionist and waited to be called upstairs to shake a few hands, smile at a few faces, sign a contract, enter in his direct deposit information, and get plugged into a desk and headset for 40-50 hours per week. Yes, it will be mindless, yes it will be unfulfilling, but once he starts he’ll be a day closer to his lifelong goal of retirement when he can unplug and live like it’s the weekend everyday again.  

The elevator opens and a bald man resembling Jeff Ross from the Roast walks out in a nice blue suit with a white undershirt unbuttoned at the top.  He extends his hand to Tommy who begins to stand out of his seat, “Tommy!” A gruff, abrupt voice blasts out. “Heard good things! You ready to talk?”

Tommy thinks this is a weird question to ask as he sits in the waiting room for his interview, but he smiles and shakes his hand and they begin walking through the office until they find an open conference room to sit down and begin his final interview. Ironically, the man resembling Jeff Ross is also named Jeff, but everyone refers to him as Jaws because of the beginning of his last name that’s then followed by several eastern european consonants.

Tommy expects this to be his toughest interview. Jaws is the VP of Sales, he’s big and loud and for some reason the fact that he’s bald is also a little intimidating for him.  Their conversation starts and the questions are open-ended. “Tell me a story when you were challenged by a sale?” “I’m sure you’re aware of some of our controversy here, why do you want to work for Zoomsterly?” “Where do you want to be in 5 years time?”

Boom, boom, boom. Tommy answers and big, bald Jaws sits back and listens. He thinks he’s doing pretty good, but it’s tough to get a read on him so when they’re done he asks if Jaws has any hesitations or questions about Tommy’s ability to do the job.

“No, I think you sound great and to be honest with you I just wanted to put a name to a face because I’ve already heard great things from everyone else that you spoke with here. The job’s yours if you want it.”

A smile burst across Tommy’s face and they stood up and shook hands.

Jaws leaned in with a wry smile, “Hey, now the hard work’s done. From here on out it’s paperwork and installation.”

Tommy smiled. A recurring direct deposit was in his future. Maybe it’s not the job his parents wanted him to take. They envisioned something more challenging and a little less controversial, but that’s one of the reasons why he took the job in the first place. Zoomsterly was on the cutting edge and he wanted to be a part of it. His parents don’t have to understand why he wants this path.

On Monday, Tommy walked into the office for the first time as a Zoomsterly employee. His new manager came to greet him and get him setup. All smiles and excitement, Tommy followed his manager down a long corridor to the engineering department. His manager entered a code on the wall next to the door and after a series of beeps and buzzes, they entered into a room that was the size of an entire floor. He only realized that the rooms in here were separated by glass instead of walls, which became foggy if there was a meeting going on inside of one.  It was filled with hundreds of pink and blue haired lab rats with nose rings, tattoos, and horrible body posture hovering over computer screens. There seemed to be a million things happening at once, but the giant space was surprisingly quiet. A few glanced up at him, but looked away when they made eye contact. His manager kept walking and Tommy followed until they finally reached another door on the far wall that required more codes and was followed by more buzzing and beeping until it slid open.  One of the engineers had come through the door with them and his manager introduced him as Gilfoyle.

“I know this may be a lot to handle right now, but I assure you it’s completely normal. I went through the same thing when I was in your position about two years ago. Gilfoyle can take the rest from here and I’ll come back to get you at the end of the day. Tomorrow, you’ll be on the phones and setting demos like a champ!”

Tommy smiled again and sat down in what was essentially a dentist chair as Gilfoyle started hammering away at the computer next to him. “See you on the other side, boss.”

“Alright, this will just take a few minutes to set up so just sit tight and I’ll let you know when we’re starting,” Gilfoyle said.

Tommy laid back in his chair and thought of a conversation he had with his parents a few weeks ago when they were talking about job prospects. His Mom hated the idea of Tommy entering sales. His Dad understood it, but didn’t like the way the industry was headed and thought he could do better than a mind-numbing 9 to 5

“Tommy, I just don’t like the idea of you completely turning your brain off for 40-50 hours of the week punching the clock.”

“Mom, it’s not turning my brain off, they just use what’s already in my head and add some background knowledge of the company. It’s still me on the phone.”

A low hum started in the room as Gilfoyle typed and swiped away at his computer screen.

“I can’t just go out and get any job I want. San Francisco is too expensive and I have nothing on my resume. This will pay for my rent and it’s not going to be forever.”

“How do you know there aren’t any long-term consequences?”

Gilfoyle walked around to the other side of the room where he grabbed a few wires and electro-stimulators, “I’m going to place these on your temples and connect it to the computer to begin the installation. It won’t hurt.”

“Dad, this is cutting edge technology and they wouldn’t do it if they knew there were consequences. I know so many friends who’ve done the same thing”

“Then why isn’t every company doing it?”

“Maybe they can’t afford it.”

Tommy glanced over at Gilfoyle as he connected the wires to his screen and swiped and typed to make sure everything was in place, “Hey, does this ever go wrong?”

Gilfoyle stopped what he was doing and looked Tommy in the eyes, “No,” he said and then went back to his work. Not the most reassuring guy in the world, but it was enough for Tommy.

“Look, nobody wants to cold-call potential clients and hear a million ‘fuck offs’ just to get one or two sales. I’m going to get a paycheck and be happy and on the weekends I can go back to being me.”

“Alright Tommy it’s time to close your eyes. When you wake up, your manager will explain the rest.”

There was a loud, final beep and Tommy closed his eyes and went to sleep.

***

Tommy slowly dragged himself out of bed after hitting the snooze button for a third time and got into the shower. Another weekend of drunken bliss had come to an end and the dark and cold Monday morning blues set in as he began another work week. It had been 2 months since Tommy started at Zoomsterly and he had become one of the best SDRs in the company.  Obviously, he didn’t love the job or feel fulfilled in his role, but he was happy that he finally had a paycheck and could enjoy himself on the weekends without the guilt that comes with paying for beers on your Dad’s tab.  One thing is for sure, time flew by faster. He had less time for himself, he was always tired, and when he got home all he wanted to do was sit on the couch and watch TV with his roommates. So I guess not much had changed.

He walked into work and plopped down in his SDR chair after eating a breakfast bar and turned on his desk. He grabbed his headset that was black and had the same white wires and electro stimulators that Gilfoyle strapped on him his first day on the job. He looked over at his coworkers who had already started. Their eyes were closed, but their mouths were moving and pumping out perfectly worded sentences to sell their product and schedule demos for the Account Executives to close.  Thanks to the engineers at Zoomsterly, they were able to program their brains to know everything about their product, their competitors, and how to handle any of the common objections that DMs throw out like cost or time or ignoring human decency. He let out a big sigh and closed his eyes as he went to sleep for 8 hours and let his Zoomsterly-infused brain go through the motions for him. Another day, another dollar.